Going Under
by cancanchicamg
Summary: Ashley is lost, and feels like she can never be found. But now she is dating the new guy at Degrassi and things seem to be...well, you'll see. RR, or I'll die!
1. Default Chapter

Hola readers! Thank you for taking time from your life to read what I write! I love you for actually paying attention to this. My heart swells with gratitude! I wub you very much! Anyway, this is a Degrassi song fiction "Going Under". The-N owns Degrassi, Evanesence owns "Going Under". I just happen to like both of them! :)  
  
~~~***~~~  
  
Chapter 1: PROLOGUE: Beginning to See  
  
Ashley was sick of the way her room was. It always looked so... ordinary. She remembered everything that had ever happened in there: the time she almost had sex with Jimmy, when she made out with Sean, when she signed Jimmy's yearbook... the thought came back to her, and she shuddered. How could she have been so naive? She stared at her alarm clock. It was three in the morning.  
  
She needed change, and she needed it right at that moment. She got out of bed, and began to move everything. It took her until 6:45 for everything to be perfect. Nothing was where it had been, everything was far from it's original location: the piano was at the window, the desk was where the bed had been, her dresser was in her closet, and her bed was directly in the middle of it all.  
  
Ashley stared at it, and lay back down in her bed, with a feeling of satisfaction. Then, she looked at the wall, there was a picture of her and Jimmy, still in a neat little frame, that made her want to gag. She couldn't stand her past life as a prep, though in actuality she missed it.  
  
She began to remember everything she did. Go shopping, listen to happy sounds, not wearing that eye liner. And then she recalled that night.... the night she took ecstacy. She remembered the high points and the things she had done. She looked over at her mirror, her once shoulder length hair was now like a man's, her eyes didn't look like her own, and her nails were what she hated. Ashley looked in her own eyes and saw not the face of herself, but the face of someone hiding.  
  
Yes, she thought, I'm hiding. This isn't me... or maybe I wasn't who I was before I.... and... Her alarm rang into her ear, and tears of wonder, tears of madness... the tears of sheer guilt came down her face as she realized she no longer knew who she was. 


	2. Chapter 2

"Ash?" asked Kate. "Are you alright hun?"  
  
"Mom, I don't think I can go to school today. I feel really sick."  
  
"You had enough energy to move everything in your room around in the middle of the night, and you are telling me you can't go to school?"  
  
"Yes," responded Ashley.  
  
"Fine. But there will be no one here to nurture you back to health. And if I find out you've been faking...."  
  
"You'll put me in a box, mail it to China, and have them give me water torture?"  
  
"Whatever floats your boat, honey. I got to go. See you this afternoon," said Kate and she left the room.  
  
It became enveloped in silence. It was as if sound had suddenly become nonexistent, as though death were coming stealthily out of the silence surrounding the room.  
  
Ashley heard a car pull out of the garage, and left the room. She went down her hallway, and opened her attic. She climbed up the stairs, and a deep darkness was there. It smelt like mold, and looked to the equivelant. She searched for one box in the black dark, and found her photo album from eighth and ninth grade. One was bright orange, and had happy stickers all over it. While the other was black and had silver inscriptions on it. It's funny how we change so much in the course of a year. she thought. She walked out of the attic, and went back into her room, in hopes of escaping the world that wasn't.  
  
Ashley opened the first book, and the first page was dedicated to Jimmy and herself in their glory of eighth grade. It had "Degrassi's Phinest!" written at the top of the page. She flipped to the next one, it had "Miss el Presidente" and pictures of her campaign posters on it. The other pages had pics from the twilight dance, pictures of all the Degrassi eighth grade class, and she looked at it and saw she was standing next to...Jimmy. All the memories seemed to come back. She hated them. She slammed the book shut, as though she were trying to hold back memories. She got out the next book. She actually hadn't finished that too long ago. The first page had her poem for Mrs. Kwan's class:  
  
It happens to other people You say how sad You say poor thing But when it's you it's something else, it's everything. It began with something minor, then led to something worse. The friends you loved and thought you knew just seem to disappear Felt so weird Half blessing half curse. It happens to other people. You say how sad You say poor thing.  
  
She remembered the pantene pro-voice competition. They had kicked ass at that, but they had only recieved honorable mention. It was that that got her her friends back... sorta. The next pages had pictures of her and Ellie. The last page was a picture of the ninth grade at the end of the year dance. She had been with Craig, and his dad had died. Ashley heaved a long sigh, and shut that book. The phone rang suddenly, making her jump. She laughed to herself.  
  
"Hello?" asked Ashley.  
  
"Why aren't you at school? You are missing out on a great thing!" screamed Ellie.  
  
"I'm sick. And what am I missing? "  
  
"New guy in grade 10. His name is Roger Bowman...."  
  
"Cute?"  
  
"Very."  
  
"I'll meet him tomorrow. It's not a big deal, honestly."  
  
"Well, seeing that you haven't had a boyfriend in forever...."  
  
"El, since when did you become girly?"  
  
"When I figured out Marco was gay," she said. After a few moments, she realized she let it slip.  
  
"Explain Nash now!"  
  
"I have to call you later. The bell just rang."  
  
"No, come over after school. It'll be way less dangerous."  
  
"Bye," said Ellie and hung up the phone.  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
"How long has this been going on?" asked Ashley.  
  
"Nearly a year."  
  
"I never would've guessed. He seems so..."  
  
"Straight?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"That was the general purpose. Now listen. You tell no one...."  
  
"Ellie, you make it sound like I have someone to tell,"responded Ashley . "You tell no one, and if you do...I don't know what tortures you!"  
  
"That was the general purpose." A smile crept across her face, and she laughed. The door bell rang suddenly. "I'll get it."  
  
"Where were you today?" asked Craig.  
  
"Here."  
  
"I brought you a friend. Roger Bowman, meet Ashley Kerwin." A lean fifteen year old figure stood in front of her. He had black hair that slightly shrouded his face, dark skin, and deep blue eyes with speckles of grey dancing through it that would make any girl melt. And that's exactly what was happening with Ashley.  
  
~*~*~*~* 


	3. Chapter 3

"Hi," stuttered Ashley to Roger. "Hey," he said so cooly. "How long have you lived in Toronto?" "I just moved here from Hawaii. I hope it doesn't get too freezing." He smiled. His smile was so gorgeous, it made her feel as though she were beautiful-that his smile was meant for those whom he thought were attractive. "That explains the tan." "Yes it would. How long have you lived here?" "In the house or in Toronto?" "Both. I'd like to be enlightened." "We feel left out over here," said Ellie suddenly. "Sorry, Ellie. Do you want to talk later?" asked Ashley. "Definitly. I'll wait for as long as I have to," replied Roger. "See you in class or at lunch or whatever?" "You know it, gorgeous." He flashed that smile at her again, and it was like theme music was playing in Ashley's mind.Ohmigod! Can you say incredible? "Can you please shut your mouth now, Ashley? I know you didn't ask for it, but I brought you homework assignments," said Ellie. "Yeah...right. Homework," said Ashley. Ellie noticed Ashley was in a state where she probably wouldn't understand a word she said and took advantage of it. "Paige thought you were faking today," she started. "Good for Paige. God, it's cold!" "Maybe if you shut the door and stopped staring after Roger it may help." Ashley glared at her. "It was just a suggestion." Ellie put on her "I- really-meant-to-say-that-get-over-it' smile on. ~*~*~*~*~ The next morning, as Ashley was about to leave for school, her door bell rang. "I live right over there, and I wanted to talk to you more. So walk with me," said Roger. "Right. That's fine. I wanted to talk to you too." Could I sound any more spastic? "Were you just leaving?" "Yes, I was actually." It was a crisp autumn morning. The leaves were in the process of changing color, they were a golden red green look, that made the world seem peaceful. Ashley smiled, and stared into the sky, at which the sun was still rising. Then it occured to her that her shirt wasn't warm enough, and she shivered. "If you're cold, you can borrow my jacket," he said. "Thanks, I'm freezing my ass off." She took his jacket, and put it over her shoulders. She took in the scent of the jacket. It smelt like a combination of Old Spice deodarant and Bobby Jones cologne. (Those scents mixed together smell so damn good!!!) She breathed it in and smiled. "So, besides the fact that you are as frozen as a penguin, how are you?" "I was sick yesturday, and now I feel like I could do a back flip, if I knew how, of course." That heart melting smile crept across his face. "I know the feeling. But right now I'm trying to get aquainted with my surroundings and everyone in them." "What do you think of the people at Degrassi? Interesting enough for your tastes?" "Well, there is enough personality to keep me entertained," he said. By this time, they were walking up the stairs to the school. They kept talking about random subjects until they got to Ashley's locker. "I need to get my shit," they said at the same time. They laughed, and looked at each other, each an inescapable twinkle in their eye. They laughed to see that their lockers were right next to each other. "So who do you have first?" Ashley asked. "Let me check my scheduele," he pulled out a piece of paper that apparently had his classes written on it. "Mrs. Kwan for English. And yourself?" "Same." "I had a feeling you did." "How so?" There was something so curious about him. It was as though he knew something about her and she may not even know what it was. It made her afraid, yet all the more mistified. "You seem like the kind of person who would like English, and you seem very cheerful this morning." "Humble observation. And you'd be correct, though that isn't why I'm so damn happy." "Why?" "I'm really glad I got to talk to you. I had been looking forward to it," said Ashley, slightly embarrassed. "You know what? So did I." That smile crept across his face. It made Ashley laugh. "What is so funny?" "I have no slight clue." ~*~*~*~2 Months Later~*~*~*~ "So Kwan wants us to do what?" asked Roger. "Go on a date...er... read Antigone," said Ashley, blushing. "We've known each other for two months, and we're alerady thinking alike." Ashley looked into his eyes and saw a look of longing. He's not lying she thought. "You had me fooled. I never would have guessed...." "I've wanted to ask you out for the past week. You're really special." "You're just saying that." "No. In the park, they're setting up a drive-thru movie, and I wanted to know if you'd go with me." "What are they playing?" asked Ashley. She didn't honestly care what movie they'd see, as long as she'd be watching it with him. She also asked just to hear the sound of his voice. "All the types we hate. But let's go anyway! For teenagers between the ages of 13 and 15 they are providing cars to sit in... it just costs three bucks more, that is if you say yes or no to me." It took her forever to process that she'd never answered him. "Of course I'll go with you, you dumass!" 


End file.
